The website The Smoking Gun gave the following headline on February 9: "DNA Links Grocery Clerk to Semen Found in Sample Eaten by Woman". The first paragraph of the story reads, "Laboratory tests have confirmed that semen found in a yogurt sample consumed by a New Mexico woman matches the DNA of a grocery store employee who was suspected in the tainting case, according to police."
Coincidentally, this egregious crime was reported by The Smoking Gun just a few days after I was sent home from work following a customer complaint about my continual coughing as I was giving out samples. I told management repeatedly for several days that I was ill and asked that they find a replacement for me so I could rest at home and get well. But it wasn't until the customer complained that I was sent home.
I went to the doctor this past Monday and was told I was, in fact, quite ill with a serious case of severe bronchitis and should not go back to work until the following Monday at the earliest. I was given a handful of prescriptions for heavy-duty antibiotics, inhalers, narcotics, cough suppressants, and steroids to clear my nearly-filled lungs. It has not been an easy week.
For those who care, I am feeling better today. Thank you for wondering. For all others, please heed this caveat (and I personally think it should be written in some biblical text somewhere since it is so very true): Whether it be sperms or germs, no one cares until you complain.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Love is a Many Splendored Thing
Ah yes, the day-to-day activity of the store. Checking out the melons in the back room, a bit of sausage handling in the cooler, grabbing some buns behind the bakery --- all perfectly innocent, completely professional grocery store de rigeur, of course. You didn't think I was talking about romance and gossip, did you? Oh, you naughty-minded reader!
Okay, I fess up. Yes, I am, indeed, talking about romance and gossip at the local supermarket. And believe me, this sample lady sees and hears A LOT. For instance, there's the girl in the salad room who was trolling for men a few months back. She made the mistake of going after my man, and I had to set the little hussy straight. The next day, she was trying for several other fellas, and a few weeks later she was on the arm of a newly-separated-but-still-married front-end manager. Good for them. They're both getting what they deserve. (meeeow)
And then there's the butcher who is poor as a pauper because he spends all his money on booze and his bike, but who convinced the perpetually-PMSing chef that he was going to be her sugar daddy. They married after a few months, and before last year was out, they were separated and headed for divorce court. The store was divided on who we each felt sorriest for. She, after all, was the one who threatened one of the other sample ladies with a butcher knife. Yes, the perpetually-PMSing chef got fired for that one. 'Bout stinkin' time, in the opinion of many of us.
The newest romance at the store is the buxom catering lady and the bakery manager who never, ever smiles. No one is sure how they ever got together or why he doesn't smile more now that he's got a perky girlfriend with even perkier boobs, but it is interesting to watch.
And how 'bout that 50 year old woman who hooked up with the 31 year old guy from the meat department? He doesn't work at Brand A anymore, but word has it that they're engaged now and madly in love. Some say she's a cougar. Others are happy for them that they have found the real thing in a world where it's hard to find someone to truly love -- at any age. I'll tell you more about them in a later post.
We all wondered how the new chef got his job. He has no formal training. His only actual credential is that his former roommate was a culinary student. And now he's head chef at Brand A supermarket? Weird. Weird, that is until you learn that his wife is the head of the accounting department. Ah, now it all makes sense. Nice guy, though. And he sautes a mean mushroom. Yeehaw.
And then there are the standard rumors about whose hours have been cut, who has a new job, and who might or might not have gotten fired or laid off this week. And who among us deserves any of it.
I don't mention any of this to be mean or particularly gossipy. (Well okay, I must admit it's pretty fun to spill my guts about what I know. But still....) I mention this gossip and romance today to point out that it doesn't matter so much what business it is, what industry it's in, or even what city it's located in. When you put large numbers of people together for several hours at a time day after day, these things happen. Love may, indeed, be a "many splendored thing", but let's be honest; it's fun to watch, too.
Okay, I fess up. Yes, I am, indeed, talking about romance and gossip at the local supermarket. And believe me, this sample lady sees and hears A LOT. For instance, there's the girl in the salad room who was trolling for men a few months back. She made the mistake of going after my man, and I had to set the little hussy straight. The next day, she was trying for several other fellas, and a few weeks later she was on the arm of a newly-separated-but-still-married front-end manager. Good for them. They're both getting what they deserve. (meeeow)
And then there's the butcher who is poor as a pauper because he spends all his money on booze and his bike, but who convinced the perpetually-PMSing chef that he was going to be her sugar daddy. They married after a few months, and before last year was out, they were separated and headed for divorce court. The store was divided on who we each felt sorriest for. She, after all, was the one who threatened one of the other sample ladies with a butcher knife. Yes, the perpetually-PMSing chef got fired for that one. 'Bout stinkin' time, in the opinion of many of us.
The newest romance at the store is the buxom catering lady and the bakery manager who never, ever smiles. No one is sure how they ever got together or why he doesn't smile more now that he's got a perky girlfriend with even perkier boobs, but it is interesting to watch.
And how 'bout that 50 year old woman who hooked up with the 31 year old guy from the meat department? He doesn't work at Brand A anymore, but word has it that they're engaged now and madly in love. Some say she's a cougar. Others are happy for them that they have found the real thing in a world where it's hard to find someone to truly love -- at any age. I'll tell you more about them in a later post.
We all wondered how the new chef got his job. He has no formal training. His only actual credential is that his former roommate was a culinary student. And now he's head chef at Brand A supermarket? Weird. Weird, that is until you learn that his wife is the head of the accounting department. Ah, now it all makes sense. Nice guy, though. And he sautes a mean mushroom. Yeehaw.
And then there are the standard rumors about whose hours have been cut, who has a new job, and who might or might not have gotten fired or laid off this week. And who among us deserves any of it.
I don't mention any of this to be mean or particularly gossipy. (Well okay, I must admit it's pretty fun to spill my guts about what I know. But still....) I mention this gossip and romance today to point out that it doesn't matter so much what business it is, what industry it's in, or even what city it's located in. When you put large numbers of people together for several hours at a time day after day, these things happen. Love may, indeed, be a "many splendored thing", but let's be honest; it's fun to watch, too.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Thanks for the Memories
You know those dates on food packages that say, "Best if used by..."? Well, those are expiration dates, and they mean you shouldn't eat the food. Unless you're a grocery store, in which case it means "Meh..." and it's left on the shelf, or "Gee, a month from now this will be lovely in our 'homemade' cheese spread...", or "Oh good, time to put this on the salad bar...".
Right now at Brand A grocery store there is cheese on the shelf with an expiration date of July 5, 2010. It is not aged cheese that is okay to leave on the shelf six months past the expiration date. But whatever. Maybe it will bring back good memories, right? It is just two shelves away from the cheddar cheese with tomato basil seasonings that has an abundance of white and green furry flowering things on it. And while some people believe cheese is cheese, I'm pretty sure even bleu cheese isn't supposed to have furry stuff blossoming on it, and certainly not cheddar cheese. And speaking of white and green flowering stuff and cheesy things, Brand A also never lets its out of date broccoli parmesan salad go to waste. Either I'm giving it out as samples (only the recently deceased salad, not the really bad stuff -- we do have some scruples), or yup, you guessed it, it is salad bar bound. Yeehaw. And by the way, that cheese spread I was giving as samples yesterday -- the cheese in it expired the early part of last December.
Yes, in the grocery biz expiration dates don't mean what they do to you and me. They are simply a trip down memory lane. Sound nasty and maybe even, oh I don't know....WRONG? Yeah, I agree. And I have talked to two department heads, an assistant store manager, and one of my fellow sample ladies even talked to the store director -- the "big boss", and still nothing has been done about the handling of out of date items.
So, check the expiration dates, don't buy green furry stuff, don't ever eat from a salad bar (I could write a book about why...just trust me on this one), and the next time you meet a grocery store employee, smile sweetly and say, "Thanks for the memories." They won't know what you're talking about. But you and I will.
Right now at Brand A grocery store there is cheese on the shelf with an expiration date of July 5, 2010. It is not aged cheese that is okay to leave on the shelf six months past the expiration date. But whatever. Maybe it will bring back good memories, right? It is just two shelves away from the cheddar cheese with tomato basil seasonings that has an abundance of white and green furry flowering things on it. And while some people believe cheese is cheese, I'm pretty sure even bleu cheese isn't supposed to have furry stuff blossoming on it, and certainly not cheddar cheese. And speaking of white and green flowering stuff and cheesy things, Brand A also never lets its out of date broccoli parmesan salad go to waste. Either I'm giving it out as samples (only the recently deceased salad, not the really bad stuff -- we do have some scruples), or yup, you guessed it, it is salad bar bound. Yeehaw. And by the way, that cheese spread I was giving as samples yesterday -- the cheese in it expired the early part of last December.
Yes, in the grocery biz expiration dates don't mean what they do to you and me. They are simply a trip down memory lane. Sound nasty and maybe even, oh I don't know....WRONG? Yeah, I agree. And I have talked to two department heads, an assistant store manager, and one of my fellow sample ladies even talked to the store director -- the "big boss", and still nothing has been done about the handling of out of date items.
So, check the expiration dates, don't buy green furry stuff, don't ever eat from a salad bar (I could write a book about why...just trust me on this one), and the next time you meet a grocery store employee, smile sweetly and say, "Thanks for the memories." They won't know what you're talking about. But you and I will.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If a Knife Falls in the Forest
There is an age-old question, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" I have no idea what the answer is. But I do have another, more important question. If the sample lady's knife falls on the floor and no one is there to see it, does it get washed? Oh, you would like to think you know the answer. You and all the Health Department officials would like to believe the answer is an unequivocal "yes". And you all would be wrong.
When I was being trained at Brand A Supermarket (of course I've changed the name -- I'd like to stay out of the legal system, thank you very much), Russell was showing me the ins and outs of demonstrating for the eager public the way to cook flatiron steak. Yummy, yes indeed. And when the knife used to cut sample-sized portions accidentally fell to the floor, we were on our way to the backroom so he could show me where to wash and sanitize the knife. Unfortunately, a customer stopped him to ask a question and back we went to our cooking demonstration cart. Things got busy, and the knife never got washed. Oh yes, plenty of other meat samples were cut up. And yes, they were all cut with the knife that fell on the floor. But sales are important in the retail grocery biz, folks. If we don't make enough sales, your prices go up. And really, which would you rather have, clean food or low prices? Wait...don't answer that. Let's go back to talking about that tree in the forest. It's a much more comfortable topic.
When I was being trained at Brand A Supermarket (of course I've changed the name -- I'd like to stay out of the legal system, thank you very much), Russell was showing me the ins and outs of demonstrating for the eager public the way to cook flatiron steak. Yummy, yes indeed. And when the knife used to cut sample-sized portions accidentally fell to the floor, we were on our way to the backroom so he could show me where to wash and sanitize the knife. Unfortunately, a customer stopped him to ask a question and back we went to our cooking demonstration cart. Things got busy, and the knife never got washed. Oh yes, plenty of other meat samples were cut up. And yes, they were all cut with the knife that fell on the floor. But sales are important in the retail grocery biz, folks. If we don't make enough sales, your prices go up. And really, which would you rather have, clean food or low prices? Wait...don't answer that. Let's go back to talking about that tree in the forest. It's a much more comfortable topic.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A Sample Lady by Any Other Name
Welcome. I am the Sample Lady. My official job title is Sales Specialist. But the bottom line is that I am to most people simply the sample lady. And the reality beyond that is that to some I am the source of their lunch while they smile and pretend to be interested in what I'm hawking for the day, and to others I'm the annoying woman they humor so I'll shut up so they can get on with their shopping. Still others see me as a source of a tasty snack along the way. And some of the kind souls I encounter actually care about what I am offering.
Later I will tell you what they are to me.
Later I will tell you what they are to me.
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